Queen Of The Cul De Sac

It looked like gravel or concrete. I must admit, now I was panicking and believed that this was beyond repair. Unfortunately my children were even more committed to this impromptu project than I was because when I informed them that this is an unacceptable color for baked goods, they begged me to continue. “Mommy, no! The gravel looks good. Please make the concrete cupcakes.” Well, I have to admire their dedication. I recognize something of myself in their optimism. OK, regroup, think, think!! I know, let’s add more green:

Now, if you’re thinking, ‘hmm that looks pixilated, like it’s disintegrating- she must need a better resolution camera’, that would be incorrect. It IS actually pixelating and disintegrating in reality. The addition of so many colors and powdered sugar created the appearance of lizard scales. I tell the children it’s over, we have to admit defeat because our frosting looks like lizard skin. We can’t bring in cupcakes now. This creates pandemonium. The kids are crying “please bring in the lizard cupcakes, please.” Through her tears my daughter very helpfully adds that I could add candies to make a tongue and eyes. Did I mention that this is very shortly before the party? There is no choice but to start over, but I need to make more frosting. Of course I don’t have any canned frosting, so we start to beat more butter and sugar. Finally we get a color approximating teal and I shook orange sprinkles in a somewhat circular fashion. I won’t go in to detail as to why the basketball arcs were not completed. I will just say that it is much more difficult to cut thin stencils and then to remove them without disturbing the lines than I had envisioned. The final result is this:

When the cupcakes were presented at the celebration, there were no comments and half the kids wouldn’t even take one. The only upside to this whole thing was that I sent the extras in to lunch with my son all week and like some prison yard exchange, he was able to score a few Doritos and ONE fruit snack (not even a whole bag) in some trades. I remain undeterred in my belief that someday my confectionary dreams will come true. I already have a plan for spider web cookies and a cake that looks just like a fire truck.

Sitting in an apartment that has roughly 1000 square feet of living space and no outdoor space, you would think home and landscape design to not be a top priority. In actuality, I used to spend much of my leisure time watching home design shows, taking in how to brighten your outdoor home appearance, how to renovate your kitchen, or install a new stone patio. Smugly I would take it all in and decide what I would if I had the chance to make these decisions. But, if they are the pornography for women that these shows have been described as, I was about as unsure what to do with an actual house as most men would be if a gaggle of porn stars showed up at their door. I’m just guessing; I have no idea what most men would do if porn stars showed up. Maybe they would dive right in and explore all those fantasies they’d been watching. Or, maybe, like me, they would be paralyzed with the pressure and uncertainty of having the actual fantasy presented to you.

As soon as we moved in I couldn’t bear to watch HGTV anymore. I had no interest in what I could do with wrought iron window boxes, or how to get the designer look for less money. When there was nothing I could do about my house design, there was no pressure. Now, there should be nothing stopping me. I had to face the reality that now if my house looked bad, it wasn’t for lack of space or because we were going to outgrow the place in two years. No, it would be because I was no good at it and had picked all the wrong things. It’s fine to be sure about the marble counters in theory when you don’t actually have to care for them or worry about what will be “in’ next year. The shows just made me wonder should I go with a Zen retreat or eclectic elegance? What will a minimalist décor say about me- and what do I do with all my stuff in that case?

At first, I thought I would approach each room with a different them- a tropical infused family room, a modern dining room, a French country kitchen, etc. When I described my plans to a friend she exclaimed “Good Lord you’re going to live in a Fun house!” When I told one friend I wanted to go with the streamlined modernism of Ligne Rosset furniture, she stared and then said “You do not.” I met with a decorator that the neighborhood women recommended and the first thing she said was “Was this paint here?” I told her it was just finishing drying, the painting being the first thing I did upon moving in. From there she told me I would need plants for my home. Then I didn’t feel so bad about the paint because anyone who thinks adding a ficus is a design element probably has not watched enough HGTV.

As time went on each dramatic makeover or Curb Appeal seemed to mock me. The TV seemed to laugh at my indecision and how badly things were going. There was no brick walkway, there was no adorable finds from flea markets to make it look cozy and chic. I wondered if after time actual porn, like my home design version, would make the viewer uncomfortable and eventually lead to distaste.

But, most of all, once the house is yours, or the porn girls arrive, the actual financial costs of all those fantasies would probably become all too realistic. That’s when you realize that your old sofa and the sink that the house came with (or your wife, depending on which analogy you’re still following) will still get the job done for a lot less money.

In response to my near incessant complaining about the high cost of education, I was recently asked if I had any suggestions on how to better save for college and its attendant costs. I have been thinking about this and with the cost of gas and milk going up and the stock market pretty volatile, I’ve had to dig deeper for some more creative ideas. The following are some cost cutting and saving measures that your financial advisor may have overlooked:

Auctions

Stop trying to save an inconsequential amount of money by giving handmade gifts to your family. Spring for a 25 dollar Outback gift card and focus on where the real money is-Auctions! At my daughter’s nursery school there was an auction and each class offered a hand made object that the entire class made. I was astounded as I watched parents fight with increasing bids for a bowl decorated with 25 fingerprints or a pillowcase with handprints. If parents are willing to pay for that, think about grandparents. No more gifts- all items are to be auctioned off to family members. Think about it- is your mother-in-law really going to let your mother steal away the I Love Grandma painting after the way she hogged all the best seats at your wedding? 800 dollars minimum! Repeat throughout the year.

Acting

Your kids are cute. You know you think it, so do something about it. For just a few days a week going to auditions and training your baby to smile, you could make at least a thousand dollars a year. And, for those of you beginning to plan a family I was once told that preemies are a hot commodity on television as there is a minimum age for babies to appear on TV. At six months preemies are the acceptable age and are still so darn newborn cute. I hear smoking and coffee can help you out with that.

Stop Volunteering

Chances are, your child’s school has asked you to help out from time to time. Some classes, like Art, have a regular “helper.” Since I have started working in the educational field, I have discovered that they actually pay some people to do that work. So, from now on tell Mrs. Smith “first one’s free, after that all construction paper projects are twenty bucks.” That 20 bucks invested over 10 years will pay for the eventual open container charge your child gets on Spring Break sophomore year. It really is the incidentals that add up.

Food Savings

Every article in a parenting magazine talks about how picky kids are and how they never eat anything. Stop fighting it. Eventually they’ll start eating when they turn 11. Until then, just feed them the crackers they want anyway and give them a couple of generic brand vitamins to prevent nutritional deficiencies. I guarantee a savings of at least 100 dollars a week.

Scholarship Planning

A recent New York Times series pointed out that there is actually very little money in college athletics, unless you play basketball or football. The take away of that story to me is stop wasting time on soccer! And academic scholarships? Brainy kids are a dime a dozen. Focus entirely on football and basketball. Additionally, I have heard stories about how some of the most accomplished athletes struggled as children in poverty with only their ball as a toy. This is win-win. Stop buying your kids toys (major savings) and give them a simple basketball or football. Can you say full ride Big Ten?

Hopefully this will help some of you out. I will continue to be on the lookout for more ideas. Every penny counts when you’re trying to pay 45 grand a year.