Something New I Learned
I recently learned something at a neighborhood that may come in handy for certain social settings. It turns out molestation is never, ever funny. I’m guessing you can tell I learned this the hard way. Now, for the record I am talking about high school student/teacher molestation, which, in my opinion is borderline.Anyway—the ladies of the neighborhood were discussing the fact that a local high school teacher had been arrested for sex with a student. Further clarification of my position- this is not funny in and of itself—a little gross, but not funny. But then they mentioned that it was a Mr. Schlongslinger that was the teacher in question (note; his name is not Schlongslinger but in order to protect the victim, the perpetrator, and myself avoid libel, I will use a name that merely conveys how funny and ironic his name was. In truth, Schlongslinger is only a little bit more unbelievable than his actual name). At this point I burst out laughing and said “you have got to be kidding- the guy having sex with his student is named Schlongslinger?” Hysterical laughing ensued. True, I was only the one laughing. At this point I gathered myself and looked around at the silent disapproval. So rather than moving on like I think some people would or explain that I was crying in outrage, I tried to salvage it.
“Get it? His name is Schlongslinger” As if once it was clear we were talking about his name everything would be different.
Silence—yet I don’t quit
“Isn’t that hilarious?”
No more silence. “No- it is not hilarious. There is nothing funny about adults having sex with children. Nothing” The extra nothing was I guess, to really explain it to me.
So, I tried to explain that yes I agree but after all, well you know.
Then, an interesting twist.
One woman asked “Why is Schlongslinger even funny?”
I really should have faked an asthma attack at this point and just gotten out of there but I was in too deep and I think, a part of me believed that once I explained the meaning she would burst out laughing and I’d be redeemed.
That didn’t happen but now at least she knows that there is one more name out there for male anatomy. I think that’s something.
Once home I surveyed some other friends and they all agree that not only is a teacher who is named Schlongslinger hilarious by itself, but once he starts using it inappropriately, it is pee your pants funny. At the very least, polite laughter worthy.
And, in my defense, these same women have been known to use cocktail snacks as pretend schlongs after a couple of drinks. I’ve seen it. And I think middle age women staggering around drunk with fake anatomy is a lot more upsetting than some hot teacher/student action. But now I know that no one else in suburbia does.
Consider yourself warned.